On the back cover of, Christlike Parenting it reads, "IT WORKS." Today I put it to the test. While I was cooking dinner, the kids were playing with blocks. All of the blocks. The Duplo blocks, foam building blocks, and Branson's stash of Hot Wheels. (They were making houses with garages.)
Before reading this book, I would have said something like this: Natalya and Branson - Please clean up all the blocks before dinner. Today I used the words, "responsibility" and "expect". I told the kids that it was their responsibility to clean it all up before dinner and that is what I expected them to do. Then I told them how much I loved them. I didn't say, "I love it when you clean up." I just reminded them that I loved them. Then I walked back to the kitchen and continued cooking. Once the casserole was in the oven, I noticed that my kids were done building houses - Natalya had moved on to reading books, Branson was playing with a remote control car and Irelynn was following Branson around the house. They had not bothered to clean up the blocks.
I cooly reminded them of their responsibility. They said, "No, we're playing with these toys now." Instead of countering with, "Well no one gets to eat dinner until you clean up all the blocks. Please do it now." I tried, "I am so glad you guys know what I expect. I realize that it's hard to do what we're supposed to all of the time. Even I don't feel like doing all of my responsibilities sometimes, but I do it because I know I should. I'm so glad you understand your responsibilities. You are such good kids!"
Then I calmly finished filling our glasses with water. A minute later, I saw Branson drop his cars and sit by the buckets. He was cleaning up. Then he said, "Natalya, you should do your responsibility." Irritated, Natalya shot back, "Fine! I'll clean up." Branson used his sweetest voice and said, "Natalya, Mommy did not teach us to talk like that. You should use a nice voice." Natalya immediately changed her attitude and helped Branson clean up the blocks. They didn't complain once. When the blocks were put away, Branson picked up his cars. Natalya picked up her books. I didn't even have to ask! They finished cleaning the entire living room on their own.
I beamed at them. I gave each one a hug and a kiss and told them what good, hardworking, helpful kiddles they are.
It worked! Here's why: First, I briefly stated my expectations using instructive rather than prohibitive language. Second, when my kids said, "No, we're playing with these toys now," I didn't become reactive. I just restated my expectations. Third, I used empathy and understanding when reminding them of their responsibility and I left it at that. Thus creating an environment safe from threats, scoldings or force - and my kids complied.
Doing things as Christ would do them, gently, with love, patience, persuasiveness, long-suffering and without coercion (criticism, threats, pleadings, anger, logic, reason, judgements, etc.) produces amazing results. I always thought of myself as a good parent. I'm patient, respectful, and loving to my children. But I also realize that I use some forms of coercion when trying to get my children to comply. There are so many small adjustments I can make that will make my parenting far more effective.
Dr. Latham said: Before we can effectively teach our children what Christ would teach, we have to teach them as Christ would teach... We must literally be as Christ. When we teach that way, we are safe to be with. We are attractive to our children, and we attract them to us. Our words are believed, our actions are emulated, and our values tend to become their values. They begin to identify with us.
I always knew that. I figured that it was a golden rule of parenting. Treat your kids how you want them to treat you. But then, under extreme frustration, I have said, "Do you want a spanking?!" What a stupid question. Would they say, "Sure, Mom. I love being spanked. And because I'm getting spanked, I'll be happy to do whatever it is you ask."
Like Dr. Latham counsels, I want our kids to behave well because they enjoy the pleasant consequences of doing so, rather than to avoid the unpleasant consequences of poor behavior.
